Sunday, September 26, 2004

The Anti-Social Test

Answer the following questions to determine your level of anti-social behaviour.

1. When you are preparing to leave your flat, if you hear activity in the hallway do you delay your departure out of fear that you may have to descend in the lift with one of your neighbours?

2. Do you burst out laughing at inappropriate times while watching movies at the cinema?

3. Do read the obituaries just for laughs?

4. Do you make cryptic, vague comments about your personal life in hopes that you will scare off any work colleagues who may try to initiate friendships?

5. When slipping out unnoticed from a woman's flat after a drunken one-night stand and while she is still sleeping, what are you likely to leave on the pillow?
a.) a rose
b.) an empty beer bottle
c.) a used condom

For this question, classify b.) or c.) as "yes" when tallying the results.

6. When an associate or colleague divulges confidential and potentially damaging (to them) information to you during a drunken conversation, do you:
a.) reflect on it mournfully or
b.) record the details in case you need to put the screws to that person at a later date?

For this question, classify b.) as "yes" when tallying the results.

7. Do you purposefully raise sensitive subjects around those you know will be most offended? (For example, discussing the increasing level of birth deformities around pregnant women.)

8. Do you join self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous just for the entertainment value of hearing others recount their oh-so-fucking-pitiful lives?

9. Do you feel a strange affinity with serial killers, mass murderers and those who respond to government initiated violence and destruction with bombings, killings and terror of their own?

10. Do you like sandwiching razor blades between two coins with some chewing gum and then letting the missile fly when you are in large crowds such as at concerts or sporting events?

11. When in a group of people do you enjoy sparking a disagreement between two other individuals and then sitting back and watching the words and/or fists fly?

12. Do you view social norms as curious novelties with which you can manipulate others, initiate social experiments and just plain mess with people's minds?

13. Do you tell inconsequential lies to people and then later feign incredulity when the person raises the point in front of others, asking what in fuck's name they are on about?

14. Does the arrival of each new year bring another series of decade-old grievances to the fore, alerting you that it's time to finally even the score, 10 years being the amount of time that you long ago decided was necessary to pass before various accounts were settled so as to provide plausible deniability?

15. Do you volunteer for church groups who provide comfort to terminally ill bible- beaters with no families left just so you can be at their bedsides as the life is draining away and be able to lean closer to them and whisper "It's a pathetic tale for gullible ignoramuses you've been following your whole sad life, it's pure fucking blackness waiting for you, no fairy tale after-life...just nothingness. You think if there was a god he'd allow me to be your last fucking contact with the real world?"

If you answered "yes" 5 times or fewer you are a fairly normal, albeit naive, individual.

5- 10 "yes" answers and you are definitely not a "people person."

10-15 "yes" answers and you are a fucking lunatic with paranoid and sociopathic tendencies. Consider suicide or a career in politics.